"(I was) Made to live inside the space where words & sound collide - to touch it, to feel it & to create."
I don’t think there was a time that I didn’t have anxiety. Although I was an outgoing, spunky kid, I was often nervous & fearful. In my teen years I became very self critical - struggling with my identity, going through bouts of anxiety and instances of darkness, questioning my sexuality and fearing that I was "weird." I didn’t know at the time that a lot of what I was experiencing, was centered around mental illness.
At the age of 11, I learned to play the guitar. It quickly became apart of who I was. It became what I did when there felt like no where else to turn - it became a resource to express what I imagined the hurts of others to be - when I could not comfort someone through words, when I could not comfort myself, when I could not reach God or when I could - it was all through guitar, singing out & writing.
The on and off darkness I experienced in my teens continued until the spring of my first semester in college. I sought counseling to address my sexuality, which lead to addressing anxiety and OCD. Therapy was one of the best things I ever did. It was incredibly helpful for a young person who was fearful of her own thoughts and seeking someone on the outside to be open with.
I stayed with my therapist for 4 years, until the beginning of 2013, when I decided to take a break. This break lasted about a year and encompassed a whirlwind of utter bliss and utter devistation. I was finally brought to an all time low - facing severe depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and at times self-injurious.
Over 5 years ago, I went back to therapy. I met with a Psychiatrist and began taking medication for anxiety & depression. I began seeing a therapist weekly. By God’s grace, and the care of my family, I am still here. Through therapy, my friends, websites like Psychcentral, SANE, and inspiration from people like Amy Clover (Trainer & Mental Health Activist), I have been working hard to find life again – to fight strong, to believe in the good, and to seek the same for others.
I look back on those years of desperation as a teen, and remember that the only thing that would make me push through was thinking of sharing my story with other people. I wanted to some day say, "Hey, this is what I went through - you’re not alone." Now at 25, having experienced a new chapter of darkness, I realize that my desire to reach out remains a constant.
As I mentioned earlier, I learned to play the guitar during the onset of my struggles. Throughout the years, I have seen and felt the beauty of music and creative expression - how it pours out intricate stories, passion, and truths of human experiences. Because of this, I believe that creativity exists to bring awareness - awareness of issues no one really wants to talk about. I believe it exists to connect humans to one another, and I believe that it has the potential to be a pathway to healing.
I know what it is to feel that you’ve lost your voice (literally & figuratively), that you have no power – that you are worthless and that you will never overcome your battles. I know what it is to feel that not being alive is the way to end all the pain and confusion. But hey, I also know what it is to love, to have glimpses of hope, to believe that you are not alone, even for a second. And that is why I am telling you my story – it is why I want to share creativity with you. In the depths of it all, thoughts of ending my life, I was given this dream. I was reminded of the gorgeous influence of music and I wanted desperately to unleash it … and by some miracle find hope – for myself and for you!
I don’t think there was a time that I didn’t have anxiety. Although I was an outgoing, spunky kid, I was often nervous & fearful. In my teen years I became very self critical - struggling with my identity, going through bouts of anxiety and instances of darkness, questioning my sexuality and fearing that I was "weird." I didn’t know at the time that a lot of what I was experiencing, was centered around mental illness.
At the age of 11, I learned to play the guitar. It quickly became apart of who I was. It became what I did when there felt like no where else to turn - it became a resource to express what I imagined the hurts of others to be - when I could not comfort someone through words, when I could not comfort myself, when I could not reach God or when I could - it was all through guitar, singing out & writing.
The on and off darkness I experienced in my teens continued until the spring of my first semester in college. I sought counseling to address my sexuality, which lead to addressing anxiety and OCD. Therapy was one of the best things I ever did. It was incredibly helpful for a young person who was fearful of her own thoughts and seeking someone on the outside to be open with.
I stayed with my therapist for 4 years, until the beginning of 2013, when I decided to take a break. This break lasted about a year and encompassed a whirlwind of utter bliss and utter devistation. I was finally brought to an all time low - facing severe depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and at times self-injurious.
Over 5 years ago, I went back to therapy. I met with a Psychiatrist and began taking medication for anxiety & depression. I began seeing a therapist weekly. By God’s grace, and the care of my family, I am still here. Through therapy, my friends, websites like Psychcentral, SANE, and inspiration from people like Amy Clover (Trainer & Mental Health Activist), I have been working hard to find life again – to fight strong, to believe in the good, and to seek the same for others.
I look back on those years of desperation as a teen, and remember that the only thing that would make me push through was thinking of sharing my story with other people. I wanted to some day say, "Hey, this is what I went through - you’re not alone." Now at 25, having experienced a new chapter of darkness, I realize that my desire to reach out remains a constant.
As I mentioned earlier, I learned to play the guitar during the onset of my struggles. Throughout the years, I have seen and felt the beauty of music and creative expression - how it pours out intricate stories, passion, and truths of human experiences. Because of this, I believe that creativity exists to bring awareness - awareness of issues no one really wants to talk about. I believe it exists to connect humans to one another, and I believe that it has the potential to be a pathway to healing.
I know what it is to feel that you’ve lost your voice (literally & figuratively), that you have no power – that you are worthless and that you will never overcome your battles. I know what it is to feel that not being alive is the way to end all the pain and confusion. But hey, I also know what it is to love, to have glimpses of hope, to believe that you are not alone, even for a second. And that is why I am telling you my story – it is why I want to share creativity with you. In the depths of it all, thoughts of ending my life, I was given this dream. I was reminded of the gorgeous influence of music and I wanted desperately to unleash it … and by some miracle find hope – for myself and for you!